When will I sleep again.

I've wanted to blog a piece for so long now, I've mentally written some lovely posts about settling back in the UK and being reunited with those I missed.

I don't get a chance to do much writing these days, or internet browsing full stop (sob). Having two little ones, the littlest one of whom is crawling and pulling herself up on the furniture and cruising around, means I literally do not stop and sit down for a moment. Having one baby is a doddle compared to having two little tearaways - and for those women who have 3 under 3? You are mental.

They are gorgeous children and they fill my day with heart warming moments.

Sleep is still very much an issue. We are working on Williams nocturnal waking, and he is getting better. He sleeps through now and then which is wonderful, if only Lily would contemplate doing the same thing. She wakes every hour or so in the night. I feel like I have failed in some way. Its exhausting trying to get her to settle and then put her in her cot at the end of our bed, only for her to wake up again and the long drawn out process of getting her to sleep begins again. I sleep with her in my bed eventually, this way she has access to my boob and although I don't sleep well at least I am not getting up and out of bed every hour to sort her out. I feel like I haven't taught her to self settle, and I feel like a bad mother. I wake up and I don't feel rested. I feel tired, and irritable, and short tempered. It's hard with your second, because leaving them to cry isn't really an option when you have another little sleeping human to consider. Especially when that little sleeping human doesn't generally sleep that well. And whats with the pre 6am wake ups? Surely I deserve a little time in the morning to relax? She doesn't settle well at night, my evenings, every evening, is spent going in and out of the bedroom getting out my boob for her to settle on it. You know that feeling where you are so tired you could cry? I cry every day. I am tired.

I mostly feel at my wits end. I mostly feel like I have done something wrong as a mother to have a baby that at nearly 8 months old doesn't know how to sleep at night, and I mostly feel worn out. I hear about the wonders of a good night sleep, and I honestly feel like if only I could get some proper rest I would function better, but that feels like it will never happen. And I love my babies dearly, but I am tired.

I hope that soon enough, I can read back on this post, with a rested head and feel totally and utterly better.

Happy memories

Sitting here in a bare living room in our Hong Kong apartment, our belongings winging their way back to the UK, with no TV to distract me I find myself looking through old photos and getting sentimental. Mentally making plans for what we need to do when we get home, thinking of who I cannot wait To catch up with, how I cannot wait to start shifting some baby weight... And I find this photo.

4 months pregnant with William, on honeymoon in Thailand.

I barely recognise myself!

Operation get fit and lose baby weight commences!

Picture post.

Life in Hong Kong.

Words to live by.

"It is the preoccupation with possessions, more than anything else that prevents us from living freely and nobly."

Bertrand Russell

It comes and it goes.

This time five years ago I kissed my mum goodbye as she passed away.

Five whole years. Seems like an eternity as so much has happened since, yet it feels like yesterday as the gaping hole she left still feels so raw and empty.

I've so much to be grateful for, and I've many many years left to spend teaching my children all that she taught me.

Feeding Miss Lily Pie.

I've made it 16 weeks! Almost 4 months breast feeding. Quite an achievement indeed.

I didn't think I would make it six weeks let alone 16, and now I've come this far, and battled with a low supply there's no chance I am giving up now. I am a BFAR Mummy, (breast feeding after reduction surgery) for those who don't understand. This means my supply is compromised by surgery. I've learnt all the tricks of the trade so if there are any other bfar mums or mums to be reading this and you need some advice please drop me an email or a comment.

I top her up with formula or expressed breast milk during the day, an ounce or two is all she needs, and breast feed through the night and first thing in the morning. This is a healthy balance for all of us, as sitting with Lily on the boob all day wasn't conducive to a healthy, happy relationship with sweet William.

We have a happy balance now, I adore breast feeding Lily and am so proud of myself for getting this far (despite the immense pain in my scars).

She is chubbing up nicely and I feel proud of my gold top mummy milk. I'm not against formula feeding - I formula fed William before anyone leaves me a comment slating me for boasting about my breasts. This time round is totally different - I love feeding her, boob or bottle. It doesn't matter to me how she gets her nourishment, the fact she gets fed is my priority - the fact I have worked so hard to build my supply, and that she prefers to feed on me just gives me the pat on the back that I need! Yay for hard work and yay for milky boobies!

Moments like this.

I find motherhood such a roller coaster. Sleep deprivation is the mother of all evils and it can turn you into a complete neurotic and moody stranger. William wakes in the night at least three times, and there's Lily bless her heart, who is growing so fast all she wants to do is nurse, and nurse some more. Plus she's been ill three times since she was born and for a three month old that's going some (who says breast fed babies don't get sick? Phooey!).

Having a baby in a foreign land with no support network around you is challenging, but we muddle through and do our best. Mr O is being wonderful at trying to get home to help me with the bedtime routine (otherwise known as the 2 hours of hell). 

I have spent many mornings, with William waking up cranky and throwing numerous tantrums, wishing the day away and praying for 7 pm to hurry along, so I can put them both to bed and get some much longed for me time. Selfish as that sounds, when you have two little humans attached to you every moment of the day with no break you crave that alone time. Even taking a pee alone becomes a much longed for luxury!

But then I say all this, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I adore my children, there are no words for how blessed I feel to have them in my life. They are happy, loving, and healthy, and for that I am so grateful!

Tonight I had one of those moments, the ones that touch your heart and make all the hard work worth while. 

I asked William to help me put Lily to sleep. So he helped me change her nappy, and I showed him how I put her into her grobag (seriously, grobags? She isn't a tomato!). I asked him to lay on the bed with me whilst I nurse her to sleep, he brought with him his Momo (dummy) and his geghee (blanket) and laid in between us with his head nestled into Lily's tummy. I nursed Lily, she stroked his hair, and he cuddled her. And they both dozed off within minutes. I wish I had my phone with me so I could take a photo of it for posterity, to look back on and recall those feelings of utter bliss. My babies, whom I adore and cherish, both snuggling together, sleepy and warm. No tantrums, no crying, just blissed out sleepy time. 

My  heart sings for these moments. And they are becoming more and more regular. William brims over with love for his little sister, and it's clear the tantrums and screaming fits he has are in part due to jealousy. Lily is attached to my bosom for most of the day, she naps in the sling attached to me and when we leave the house she is attached to me. It's no wonder this loving, sensative little boy has feelings of envy, and plays up to those feelings for any attention he can get from me. I should feel flattered that he feels this way, because if he didn't, I would probably be whinging about how he doesn't seem to care all that much for me, or Lily. 

I won't lie, it is hard to be a good mother to these two beautiful little beings, who are both so young, and who need me so much, but it's a blessing, I feel blessed, these are the moments I shall miss when William comes home from school and doesn't want to spend any time with me because his friends are more interesting. 

I now feel that in Lily, I have given William a wonderful gift. He has a companion, and a life long friend. And Lily is lucky, because big brothers are the best. I adore my big brother, the age gap is too big for us to have memories of playing hide and seek, or playing on the see-saw together, but for my two, they are so close in age that they will never be lonely. They will always have each other. And when they are old enough to be embarrased by me I will remind them how they used to hold hands in the bath and run around naked. 

This is just what I have always wanted and I feel very very lucky indeed. 

Image from here